D-Rank
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: After all, the Sand Nin had to start somewhere. The first D-rank mission for Gaara, Temari and Kankuro. Rated for language and... gore? Crack!fic. Oneshot.


I actually wrote this years ago. Reading it with fresh eyes... no, no, it's still absolutely crazy. I hope you enjoy.

 **D-Rank**

"Baki-san, ohayou gozaimasu."

"Ohayou gozaimasu, Kazekage-sama," the Sand Nin leader replied with a bow. Behind him, Gaara, Temari and Kankuro mimicked his motions. "My team is ready for its first mission."

"Excellent. I have a new D-rank mission that your students would be perfect for." The Kazekage paused as he reached for the scroll, as Baki had noticeably stiffened. "Is there something wrong, Baki-san?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Kazekage-sama, I—well, with all due respect, my students are—"

"I know what you're going to say," the Kazekage interrupted with a heavy sigh. "Believe me, I understand that your team is exceptional. However, they must start with a D-Rank just like every other team has in the past. I'm sure they will earn higher-ranking missions shortly."

"Hai," Baki replied, a bit curtly. He bowed. "Forgive my interruption. Please explain the mission, Kazekage-sama."

The great ninja pulled a scroll from a pile in front of him and leisurely unrolled it. "Your mission," he began quite seriously, "is to find and rescue a lost litter of puppies."

"Fighting dogs?" Baki ventured.

"No, they are just normal dogs."

"Oh." The jounin sounded disappointed.

"Your client is from the next village over, so the travel won't take you long. She is an elderly woman by the name of Takata Namie."

"We accept the mission," Baki said. He received the scroll from the Kazekage, bowed deeply once again, and ushered his team out of the room. As soon as the door closed behind them, Temari swore.

"You said we'd get at least a B-rank!" she said accusingly. "I want to kick ass, not save puppies!" Kankuro nodded his head quickly in agreement.

"I'm sorry," Baki retorted in exasperation. "I honestly thought Kazekage-sama would recognize all of your abilities and assign us a proper mission. We can't just _ignore_ this one, though."

Temari and Kankuro looked to Gaara for help, but he was busy being creepy and didn't reply. Defeated, the two finally accepted their teacher's commands.

"We'll leave tomorrow morning. This village is only a ten minute walk at best, so we should finish this quickly. Any other questions?"

"No," the siblings muttered grouchily.

"Good. I'll see you at dawn."

The old woman smiled and bowed at each one in turn. "Thank you very much for your assistance," she murmured kindly.

"It's no trouble, Namie-obaasan," Baki stonily reassured her. "Can you please tell us what happened?"

"I have four puppies," she began. "The last time I saw them was a yesterday. I had gone to tend my garden, and when I came back, all of them were gone. I found out later that they had snuck out the front door, which I had foolishly left ajar."

"I see," he interjected. "Can you describe them to us?"

"Of course. They're named Princess, Doodles, Sparkles and Charlie." Behind his teacher, Kankuro sweat-dropped. "Princess is a liver-colored spaniel with white speckles on her muzzle. Doodles is also liver-colored, but he has more markings on his head. Sparkles is black and white, and Charlie is mostly black."

Baki quickly wrote this information down on a notepad as he asked, "Do you have an idea of where they are?"

"This is a gated village, so they're probably inside its boundaries, but I don't know which parts they would be in. I'm sorry I can't be of more help than that."

"No, that is fine," Baki said in a way that made it sound like it was troublesome. "My team will catch them for you as soon as we can." He turned to the three genin behind him. "You heard Namie-obaasan. Let's go."

"Wait," Gaara uttered, halting the other three in their tracks. Then, he dramatically lifted his hand to point at a spot on top of a nearby house. "Is that one of the dogs?" he asked.

Namie squinted in that direction, then gasped. "Princess!" she shouted hysterically. "Princess, don't worry, we'll get you down!"

Temari went for her fan, but Gaara held his hand up to stop her. "I'll get it," he volunteered darkly. The cork in his gourd fell out and sand began to leak around him as his features clouded. Temari and Kankuro exchanged glances, then began to back away slowly.

The red-haired genin maneuvered the sand up the side of the building, and finally underneath the puppy before he attempted to lift it. Namie gasped as the puppy wavered in the sand's grasp, but soon it was safely in Gaara's grip.

"What a relief!" she sighed aloud. Gaara started to bring the puppy back, but about half-way to the ground, it began to try and squirm out of his clutches.

"Stay," he growled. "Stay!" The sand wrapped itself firmly around the dog and began to squeeze. "Stay!" Gaara barked again. The puppy whined and squirmed even more. It was then that something inside of Gaara snapped. "I said _stay_!" he yelled, clenching his hand into a fist.

A moment later, it was raining blood and bits of fur.

"Th… the blood!" the old woman cried out.

Temari and Kankuro both face-palmed.

Gaara looked satisfied.

"Well, I guess we don't have to worry about Princess anymore," Baki shrugged, crossing the name off the list. "My team will find the other three as soon as possible."

Namie was still sobbing when they left.

"Uh, I vote Gaara doesn't get to rescue any more puppies," Temari said.

"Me too," Kankuro agreed.

Gaara glared at them, and they both immediately turned their faces away.

"Now now, anyone could've made that mistake," Baki laughed. "She's got three more, anyways."

"Gaara just killed a puppy and you're laughing, Baki-sensei," Temari pointed out. "Isn't that a little… I don't know, horrible?"

"Well, it was kind of funny… in an ironic way."

Kankuro shook his head. "Can we just find the mutts and get this over with?"

On cue, a mostly-black puppy ran past them, playfully chasing a butterfly. There was a brief pause. "Was that Clark?" Temari finally said.

"Charlie," Baki corrected after glancing at his notes.

"Well, whatever the hell his name is, his ass is mine." She smirked as she pulled her fan out. "Ninpou, kage no yozora!" A black wind came from her waving fan, swirling around the pup and yanking it into her outstretched arms. The puppy yipped and licked her hand. "Aww," she cooed suddenly. Gaara tried to pet it, too, but she pulled it away. "Not after what you did to Princess," she scolded.

"Looks like catching Charlie was a success," Baki said, checking the name off. "Now we just have Doodles and Sparkles."

"Oh God," Kabuto said forlornly. "Don't make us call those names out, please."

"Funny, that was the exact plan I had in mind."

"Sparkles! Doodles! Where the hell are you?" Kankuro cried out in frustration.

Temari hushed him. "That's hardly encouraging."

Kankuro gave her a look that plainly said 'they're just dogs.' She knew what it meant because he'd been giving her that look for the last half-hour. "Oh, shut up," she retorted.

Behind them, Gaara was following in silence, occasionally glaring at a villager that stared too much at the trio. He had been a bit disappointed that he couldn't pet Charlie earlier, but after sulking for a few minutes, Temari let him hold the puppy while they looked for the other two. It was currently sleeping in his arms. He smiled inwardly, but not that much, because he's Gaara.

"Sparkles! Doodles! I've got a treat!" Temari held out a fist, shaking it as if something were concealed inside.

Kankuro raised his eyebrow. "Are you serious?"

"Hush, here comes one now." A bush right before them was shaking furiously, and Kankuro took a step backwards.

"What the heck? That worked?"

"Come on," Temari grinned, ignoring her brother. Just that moment, a liver-colored spaniel leapt out. "It's Doodles! Quick, Kankuro, use Kuroari to catch him!"

"Right!" He ripped the bindings off the puppet on his back and dexterously twisted his fingers just right, maneuvering Kuroari just behind the puppy dashing towards them. It only took a moment to capture him in the puppet's stomach.

"Yes!" the two cheered together. "Just one more!"

Gaara glanced down at the now-snoring Charlie and sighed wistfully. Puppies didn't think he was a monster….

Baki happened to walk by at this time. "There you are," he said. "I've gotten word of Sparkles. He was sighted running into the park down the street."

"We just captured Doodles," Kankuro said proudly, twisting his hand so Kuroari faced front.

"Excellent. Let's catch Sparkles and report back to Kazekage-sama."

"Osu!"

They raced to the park as fast as they could, dodging the mid-afternoon traffic. They arrived there within minutes and set to hunting out the final puppy.

"Sparkles!" Temari bellowed, causing the nearby pedestrians to stare at her.

"Not this again," Kankuro groaned.

"Sparkles, come here boy! Come on!"

Gaara watched Temari and Kankuro struggling to find the final dog, then he looked at the snoozing puppy cuddled in his arms. He calmly stepped between his two siblings, silencing them by his mere presence, and held the puppy out before him like an offering to the gods. "Sparkles, if you don't come here, I will kill Charlie."

Silence.

"Gaara, you idiot!" Kankuro snapped, yanking the puppy away. "The last thing you need to do is kill another puppy. Besides, they're only dogs! They don't know—"

Temari cut him off when she lifted Sparkles into her arms. He had come running out immediately after the threat. "Great job, Gaara!" she congratulated him. Gaara glared at Kankuro and yanked the puppy back into his arms, stroking its head like an evil genius would. His brother sweat-dropped.

"Well, that's it!" Baki announced, crossing the last name off the list. "Three out of four isn't too bad. Let's give the puppies back to Namie-san."

"Right," said the genin.

They pulled Doodles out of Kuroari and marched back to Namie's house, carrying the dogs proudly. "Namie-obaasan!" Temari called out when they reached the front gate. "We've got the other three puppies!"

She opened the door, still sniveling. "Thank you very much," she hiccupped, taking Doodles and Sparkles from Kankuro and Temari. When she reached for Charlie, though, Gaara yanked him closer to his chest possessively. Namie started and immediately backed off. "He can keep that one!" she exclaimed before the others could try to get it back. She slammed the door in their faces, and the lights went out inside.

Team Sand stood there for a moment, then Baki clapped his hands together. "Congratulations on finishing your first mission!"

"Never again…" Kankuro muttered, massaging his forehead. Beside him, Temari was watching Gaara warily. The red-head was examining the dog closely while it licked his palm.

"I'll name him Killer," he announced.

"Gaara, he already has a—" Temari started, but Gaara glared at her. "Fine, whatever. Can we just go home now?"

Baki chuckled and led his students back to the village. And even though he knew the Kazekage wouldn't be happy with them killing one puppy and taking another… well, it could've been worse.

* * *

Thank you for reading.


End file.
